A gift for a teenage daughter (11–15): let her choose

Between eleven and fifteen, a girl is putting together her own identity: clothes, music, her room, her friends. Something she picked herself says “this is me”. Something a parent picked often says “this is what I think of you” — and at this age that is a sore spot.

Psychology calls it the need for autonomy: we experience things as our own when we get to decide about them. In teenagers that need is at its strongest, because they are only just starting to separate from their parents.

There is also a broader finding about gifts. In a study by Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, recipients valued what they had asked for more than an unrequested “original” surprise. The givers assumed the opposite — that a requested gift feels impersonal. With a teenage daughter this mistake costs even more: a miss isn’t brushed off with a polite “thanks”, it becomes a thing that sits in a drawer and reminds her nobody was listening.

Letting her choose doesn’t mean giving up on a personal gift. What makes it personal is that you listened and trusted her, not that you caught her off guard.

These gifts are usually well meant, but your daughter hears something else in them. You can spot them because they make more sense to you than to her.

There are several ways to let her choose. They differ in how much work falls to you, how much to her, and how much surprise is left.

The card is where you can be personal. Keep it short, no lecturing and no “when you’re grown up”. Lines you can borrow:

The same goes for a grandmother, an aunt or a godmother — or a guideparent, if the family chose a naming ceremony instead of a christening — with one advantage: they can ask the parents what’s on the list and avoid doubling up. The worst gifts are the ones more distant relatives choose based on how they remember the girl from three years ago.

If you really have no idea, it’s more honest to give money with a note about what it might go towards than to buy something blind. More ideas for grandparents are in the article A gift for your granddaughter, and an overview for every age is in A gift for your daughter by age and stage. If you’re also shopping for a boy of a similar age, have a look at a gift for your son by age.

A book in which your daughter is the heroine feels like magic to a seven-year-old. To a thirteen-year-old, as a surprise, it often feels childish — exactly the kind of gift she has outgrown.

It’s a different story when she makes it herself. In the Hero of the Book guide she can choose a world and a plot, or write her own story, and pick one of 20 illustration styles, such as anime or graphic novel. The finished ebook is usually ready within 15 minutes. Older girls tend to make one for a younger sibling or as a present for their grandmother rather than for themselves — and that counts too, because they are the ones deciding. How such a book is made is explained in the article The personalised book.